| Drug dealer. Such a profound term. One who | | | | said."You want to take it in my apartment?" I |
| deals in drugs. Not only the selling, but often the | | | | asked, "Sure, like I don't get enough attention by |
| trading, using, and producing. It's not just some | | | | the cops. Now I'll have a corpse on my floor.""I |
| homeless guy on the side of the road trying to | | | | have $600," she said."It might be possible," I said, |
| sell crack for some drug lord, just so he can have | | | | as I scratched my chin.We walked back to my |
| a place to sleep. Nowadays, it's some 17 year old | | | | room. "Put the money on the table," I said, "I |
| punk, carrying a book of acid and a pound of | | | | have to make a phone call." She did as I |
| weed, all wrapped up in tin foil and plastic, and at | | | | asked."Hey, Johnny," I said on the phone, "What's |
| home, his bathtub is full of sugar, water, 50 | | | | up, man? Hey, you think you can help me move a |
| mashed organges, and 10 packets of yeast. Ask | | | | body? Yeah, I know the normal fee. Sure, sure, |
| him about it and he'll say, "Technically, it's still alive | | | | come later tonight. Peace, brother.""Can I ask why |
| when I drink it, but I just pour more water in | | | | you're doing this?" I said, as I picked up the |
| there when it starts to run low, and it's like a | | | | money."Several parts of my life are a mess," she |
| Jesus: turning water to wine, just on a slower and | | | | said, "Bad parents, bad boyfriend," she grinned at |
| less tasteful method." He'll have a repetoir of legal | | | | me with some wit."Hey," I said, "Don't get cute on |
| and illegal highs, ways to dodge prosecution or | | | | me. After all, I do have to kill you." She nodded |
| arrest when police inquire. "What? You found a | | | | with a smile and I started counting the cash. "So, |
| meth pipe? Oh, my god... Are you serious? That's | | | | really, why are you doing this?""The reasons are |
| what he was doing. Oh, man. My friend was with | | | | my own and my own to --""Hey, there's only |
| my bag. That fuckhead must have put it there." | | | | $450 here," I saidd, looking up, "Where's the other |
| Five hours detainment while your body is | | | | $150?""That's all I have," she said, "It's |
| dehydrating from the speed, and then you're a | | | | everything."I had to make a decision. Help her die |
| free man. Everyday was walking on a tightrope | | | | or let her go with her cash. As a drug dealer, it |
| of the law. In a pill or a bag, I am holding a piece | | | | decently pisses me off that someone says they |
| of heaven that lasts 8 hours. One day, I make | | | | have cash for something but end up not having it, |
| $170, the second day, I hop two fences after | | | | or having half. Sometimes they offer the |
| making a $20. We're living on the fringes of | | | | argument that they'll get me back, but that's |
| poverty in the ghetto, struggling to make a living. | | | | bullshit. They're addicted to a substance they can |
| I guess I provide a rather important industry. I | | | | get from anyone. The next five dollars to hit their |
| help people forget they are here.It is not | | | | palm will go to another dealer, not to pay debts. |
| uncommon. One day, I am facing someone who | | | | Unlike these people, this girl couldn't do that. She |
| gives me their last $25. Maybe they intended for | | | | was not going to be around next week."Well, |
| it, but their next four hours were their last. And | | | | fine," I said, "I suppose we can still do this... Sit on |
| as much as I felt that I was a slave to this | | | | the bed." I sat down at my desk and pulled a |
| system, I felt free, too. Free of starvation, free | | | | coffee filter out of the trash can, and opened it |
| of bruttish conditions. Yes, I have been shot at by | | | | on my desk. It was ful lof a wet, green |
| cops and other dealers. One time, four kids tried | | | | powder."What's that?" she asked, trying to look |
| to jump me for my shit. I had to stab one to get | | | | over my shoulder."It's a toxin byproduct that |
| them to realize that I wasn't a push over. As | | | | comes from making high grade |
| dangerous as it was, I had a life. I had a living. I | | | | methamphetamine," I said, as I started to fill the |
| could survive in this horrible place, wracked with | | | | gelcaps with it, "It's not painful, unlike most toxins, |
| misery as much as it was. And, honestly, I called | | | | but it is by far more lethal." I started to fill some |
| it a home. There is something prophetically human | | | | with basil, which helps stomach digestion."Are |
| about this profession. A friend of mine was on a | | | | these band lyrics?" she asked, referring to the |
| bad acid trip. He kept shaking. I let him stay in my | | | | paper on the wall.I turned around, "Those? No... |
| room. He kept talking about police, not making | | | | They're nineteenth century poems." I went back |
| much sense. I gave him a blanket and put on | | | | to filling pills."They're beautiful," she said, "I enjoyed |
| soothing music. Next morning, I found out thath | | | | this one about love at first sight.""Yeah, it mocked |
| someone tried to burn down a department store, | | | | the concept of it and then talked about loving |
| what cops called, "seemingly from a drug user." I | | | | someone after knowing them," I replied."Yeah," |
| remember holding his shaking hand, kneeling down | | | | she said, "I get it. I was curious as to what kind |
| to him. "It's gonna be okay," I said, "Don't worry | | | | of band would sing a song like that.""That's the |
| about it, you're safe here." He sort of calmed | | | | thing," I said, "None would. Or at least, almost |
| down and I let him stay. I suppose I also | | | | none.""And what's this?" she asked."That?" I said |
| harbored a criminal, but that never bothered me. I | | | | turning around, "It's a painting of a face, using only |
| have my own definition of legal and illegal.The kids | | | | red and black paint. I paid two hits of acid for it. I |
| or old wash up junkies I sell to, they are hardly | | | | would have paid more, because it's just so |
| stereotypical. I have seen couples come to me, | | | | beautiful.""Mmmmm," she replied, "It is nice." With |
| and say that they want ecstacy, something to | | | | her affection toward the painting, she had thrown |
| increase their love for each other and experience | | | | a smile in my direction. I could see that she was |
| it through new channels. They were young and | | | | rational and logical in her decision of suicide. She |
| poor, but they still had more than many others. | | | | wasn't in tears. She wasn't broken in pieces. She |
| I've had junkies come up to me for a fix of meth | | | | was very much together, or very effective in |
| so they could be up for a fourth day. Burnt out, | | | | subtly convincing me of this.I walked over to the |
| shaking, destroyed body, otherwise dysfunctional | | | | bed and handed her four pills. "I'll get you a glass |
| brain, and worst of all, coming down and in tears, | | | | of water, I said, "Mostly, I tell my customers not |
| "Please, please, just give me some tweak..." | | | | to take it all at ancoe, but that is pricesly what I |
| Begging with their last dolars. I sold to him of | | | | am telling you now." She swallowed the pills, two |
| course. He had cash. And, as much as I would | | | | at a time, with the aid of water."What's your |
| love to be able to give it away for free, I need | | | | name?" I asked her."Julia," she said, "But most |
| to survive myself. Twelve year old street urchins | | | | people call me Julee.""Well," I said, "My name is |
| come up to me and ask to buy LSD, handicapped | | | | Caley." I had to tell her, because I felt like she |
| men on Social Security ask me for Codeine. | | | | wouldn't ask."It'll only be 30 to 60 minutes, before |
| Artists and Musicians flock to buy absinthe, and | | | | you're gone," I told her."Why did you get into this |
| they finish off a bottle and stay up to 6 AM | | | | business?" she asked."Well," I said, "It's easier |
| talking on a city bench, flesh turned to fucking ice, | | | | cash, it requires little work, I am always well |
| drinking a cup of coffee that has been empty for | | | | stocked in my favorite commodities, and I'm not |
| the past forty five minutes.I suppose by now, it is | | | | on the brink of poverty. Why?""I guess I always |
| obvious to tell that I have a particularly keen | | | | just wanted to know," she replied."So, how was |
| observation of my environment. Unlike other | | | | your day?" I asked, a bit uncomfortable with the |
| deals, I don't spend my profit on a new pimping | | | | overall situation."It's getting better," she replied, |
| car or a mansion -- and the only dealers who | | | | "And your own?""Oh, it's doing all right, "I said, |
| could get that are coke lords and heroin | | | | "Making money..."A slow silence befell the room |
| merchants. The rest are on the fringes of | | | | for thirty seconds as we exchanged glances |
| poverty. One of my hobbies, I can confess that I | | | | occasionally, myself somewhat uncomfortable still, |
| love the beauty of the human face. It may seem | | | | she somewhat uneasy, I imagine. A car outside |
| like a fickle or otherwise shallow enjoyment. I look | | | | blowing Mexican rap music goes by with a bad |
| to the face of a girl walking down the street, see | | | | engine. Cluttered feet trample by with a mix of |
| a smile, and as I feel my entrepenurial spirit | | | | foreign languages. Her eyes look down and then |
| crushed, I find something beautiful and unique. | | | | are brought up to mine. As little as I know about |
| Some homeless child struggles for warmth on a | | | | her, I feel sure enough that she spoke with more |
| city bench, his face with a stone-cold expression, | | | | subtle ocnfidence that second than aty any other |
| as he pulls a hood over his face, with little eyes | | | | moment of her life. "I've led a good life.""Then |
| peering at me. In some other life, my current one | | | | why end it this way?" I asked, as the curosity of |
| completely forgotten, I imagine I would be an | | | | the homo sapien nature urked my spirit.She |
| artist. I am not one now, but I remember during | | | | shrugged."That doesn't seem like you're confident |
| my last year of school my art class (apparently | | | | in your reasons," I said."No, it's not that," she |
| 8th grade). One student was exceptional, and the | | | | replied, almost in a faded tone, as though the |
| teacher allowed him to do as he pleased. He used | | | | poisons had sapped away her soul before it took |
| flint, charcoal, a variety of inks and paints. On | | | | her body, "It's just that I don't want to, or need |
| those solemn nights as I try to fall victim to | | | | to, talk abou tit... I assure you it exists, but I'm |
| sleep's claws, I fantasize using the complex tools | | | | not bringing it into this room.""Understood," I said... |
| of art to capture the smile or anger of a person. | | | | "How was your life?""I told you, good," she said, "I |
| But, just a dream, nothing I've told to | | | | have this friend, Celine. She was always so nice to |
| anyone.Asside from this one hobby of mine, I can | | | | me and admired the things I did. She could be a |
| admit that I enjoy poetry. The resurrection as | | | | friend on mutual terms, too. She loved me so |
| faded love through columns of words, I can feel | | | | much.""I'm sure she still does then," I replied, "Why |
| more free than I have ever before. Perhaps itis | | | | use the past tense?" She didn't answer."I'm leaving |
| the human instinct to seek out what we do not | | | | behind a son," she replied finally."Oh?" I said, |
| have. In poetry, nothing is written of the | | | | surprised, as my eyes widened."He'll never know, |
| tringiness of the ghetto, the life and death horrors | | | | though," she said."What do you mean?" I |
| that every man in poverty must face. Yes, | | | | asked.She caressed her hand over her |
| poems about it are written, but not those prior to | | | | stomach."You mean... you're pregnant?" I |
| 1800. For the same reason I find necessity in | | | | asked."Yeah," she said, "But only three weeks.""Is |
| trying to escape the hardened life of a drug | | | | that the reason?" I asked."No, she said, "I told |
| dealer, I can see a yuppy reading "Treasure | | | | you, I wouldn't let the reason enter this |
| Island" or some other adventure-based novel. For | | | | room.""Okay," I said. I tried to reach for |
| myself, it is Thoreau, Tennyson, Shelley, | | | | something to say, some way to comfort her. |
| Rousseau, Emerson -- anyone who put on paper | | | | "Would you like to hear a poem?" I asked."Sure," |
| some thoughts that were original, creative, | | | | she said. I brought out perhaps my most moving |
| honest. Unlike my hope fo being an artist, this | | | | and emotion poem I have from the 1800's. It |
| hobby of poetry was shared and expressed with | | | | subtly touched upon the points of happiness and |
| contemporaries. They seemed to regard it not | | | | sadness. It subtly touched upon the points of |
| with animosity, particularly curiosity, | | | | happiness and sadness. Every few months, my |
| uncomfortability, or any other xenophobic thought, | | | | most favored passage will change. Maybe just its |
| but they just considered it as another part of | | | | another poem, another stanza, or another author |
| who I was. I suppose that it was the tolerance all | | | | altogether. Here I read to her the pick of the |
| of us must have for each other, under such | | | | season."That was very nice," she said, throwing at |
| horrible living and working conditions. So, what a | | | | me a smile with closed, relaxed eyes, as one hand |
| man does in his own home, is his own to | | | | of hers rubber her forearm ently, turning her face |
| consider.In this line of life, I get a variety of | | | | away. Maybe it was a crime, an indictment against |
| awkward requests. For certain chemicals, people | | | | me, my character. In only two examples have I |
| request that it's not in getabs, but just in powder. | | | | ever shared the poems of my heart with others. |
| Some people want it dissolved in alcohol. PCP on | | | | I none case, my friend was going in to the |
| Marijuana, freebased cocaine (crack), freebased | | | | military, and would serve 2 years over seas. We |
| AMT, DMT,or DiPT. Or perhaps an intensified | | | | hugged, thinking we may never see each other |
| powder that will give potent effects by just being | | | | again. In that case, I didn't even read him a poem. |
| in the same room as it. There would be one day | | | | I slipped a piece of paper in to his pocket with a |
| where I receive a very awkward request."I want | | | | beautiful poem written on it. And now, with Julia, I |
| you to make me die," she said.I've heard this | | | | have read her a poem. If I thought she would be |
| before, but only from friends and colleagues who | | | | alive in two hours, I wouldn't have gone that |
| were witty. "Give me 20 hits of meth, and take a | | | | far."Can you hold me?" she asked.I stood up and |
| month off my life." But, no, this girl knew who I | | | | walked over to the bed, where she was sitting. "I |
| was, because she knew my customers, and she | | | | can," said."Please, hold me, then," she said. I put |
| wanted help in suicide."I don't know," I said. I've | | | | my arms around her and laid down. Slowly, sleep |
| been in fights before with people for trying to sell | | | | came to both of us, peace in our minds.I would |
| heroin in the wrong areas. Helping someone die | | | | wake and feel her skin. It was cold. Life,Punkerslut |
| might be just as bad."Please," she said, "I know | | | | (or Andy Carloff) has been writing essays and |
| people who told me you could help.""Look," I said, | | | | poetry on social issues which have caught his |
| "If you have a problem with your parents, just | | | | attention for several years. His website provides a |
| try to settle it with them. If it's your boyfriend, | | | | complete list of all of these writings. His life |
| get a new one. I'm not interested in murdering | | | | experience includes homelessness, squating in New |
| anyone." I let her know straight out that I didn't | | | | Orleans and LA, dropping out of high school, |
| want to partake in this and I wasn't being | | | | getting expelled from college for "subversive |
| open-minded about it at all."Listen," I need a drug | | | | activities," and a myriad of other revolutionary |
| to kill me and I need some place to take it," she | | | | actions. |